Yes this has been a major problem in our home for over a year now. I immediately remove my son from the situation and I am very clear to my husband that HIS behavior is unacceptable; not helpful; actually it's quite HARMFUL. We have been married for ten years and I am we'll past the point of pleasantries. I am very frank with him - if he can't control himself he is welcome to leave or get counseling or do whatever he needs to do to get his act together and be the kind of parent his son needs him to be. Just be honest with your spouse. I started using my phone and recording him when he acts that way with our son so he can see how he actually is. I find that very effective. No one like to see themselves act like that. :).

I believe Anger is can be a projection of Fear. In our home Fear is usually a result of not being able to understand what is expected. In other words, when our 17 yr old aspie is refusing to do something that seems easy for the rest of us (like take a shower), both my husband might feel clueless as to why this is so hard for him to "just do it." Underlying our frustration is our fear for his health, fear of what others will think when he goes out of the house, and fear of what our family and friends think about our parenting skills. Of course, we have both read the books and blogs and understand why the shower and other tasks are NOT easy for him. But he can go many days in row where things seem fine and then he switches back. In those days where things seem fine, I believe we start to get comfortable and our expectations of our aspie change. So much so that it shocks us when he switches back and we forget how to handle it. Thankfully, one of usually steps up to remind the other one of what is really happening for our son. That we need to change our expectations and continue to be flexible with him.

Our son's dr. was the one who share a trick with us that seems to work to prevent the arguments between us (for the most part). When things are calm, create a short list of goofy words that are identifiers to us as parents/partners that we can use to get the other one out of the situation. For example, when a situation starts to become tense, the word Purple can be thrown by anyone in the mix of that tension like a white flag. We separate until we cool down and can talk respectfully. Sometimes you need a word like Balloon that is used by one parent to "transfer" the situation to another parent (before the balloon swells so big that it blows up).

It seems that accepting a diagnosis is a process that is different for each parent. When one parent is still in denial... then moving forward as a team can be so hard! In my situation, however, we discovered that the genetic factor was the issue. You may have heard that 50% of autistic kids have a parent on the spectrum. Is it possible that your spouses' inability to empathise with you and remain in control of the emotions when there is a disruption related to autistic charactoristics in your spouse? It is important to include both parents in as many therapy sessions with the child as possible to educate both parents on new parenting skills. So often one parent takes on the education and research and the other is left behind, not because they don't care... one parent just ends up at home while the other works. Talk about the action plan together before the meltdowns occur.Divide responsibilities so you can have a break. Don't let the diagnosis take your marriage!

@A MyAutismTeam Member I have to say hats off to you because it has been my experience that most men that I have met really cannot handle children that have these special needs. Once the attention is not on them anymore and on the child.... men tend to get angry and the neglected wounded pride gets in the way. So many times my friends and others that I have met say that if only the spouse or family would be more supportive that they would be able to be tend to those neglected and wounded pride of not having the attention they crave and react to situations in a negative way. I know that if my BD (my babiesdaddy) would have been more attentive to me while I was dealing with my sons diagnosis and joined me in learning what we had to learn about maybe then I would not have given up on him for not being there when we needed him most. I think that both parents should take classes specifically for parenting these kids and maybe we all would have a better outcome in staying together as families should. But then that is just my opinion take it or leave it as it is. Congratulations for staying with your wife for eleven years most individuals don't make it past the 7 years with kids of special needs. :) I hope that she appreciates how lucky she is and how lucky you are to have her.

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A MyAutis...

Yes us too. But I realized that the argument created was a convenient way for one of us to deflect the pain of the tragedy or disappointment. One can only be hurt or angry by one thing at a time and in a funny way, we create these 2nd layer situations, because our spouses are a place we can focus our pain onto... since we can't get mad at 'autism'...... we can focus that anger onto our partner