With the older one use social stories and cartooning. Write in the first person and use him in cartoons. Stick figures work fine...no artistry needed. Start with a typical fight. Show him starting to get frustrated. I like to use color to show how a little frustration is just red around the feet...as it gets more frustrating the red climbs up to his head. If it reaches his head...that means he stops thinking and loses it. If you show thought bubbles and word bubbles and give him alternatives to waiting until the red reaches his head. For example, when he starts to feel frustrated, have him hit a pillow. Draw the red leaving his body and going into the pillow. (Make sure the pillow eats the frustration...turn it purple or a color he likes...one kid I worked with was afraid to sleep on his pillow because he thought the frustration would come back into him). Draw what happens when he yells...what you imagine your younger son to be thinking etc. Show him how he thinks differently when he hits the pillow instead of screaming. It may take a few weeks...but I usually see it work if I get the scenario done correctly.

The visual of the stress cup is such a great learning tool...knowing what fills it, what might happen when it's overflowing and things that help drain/empty it can be very empowering for spectrum kids (& adults).

They both have in common the inability to handle stress beyond a certain point. You can use a cup as a visual picture for them. Each of them has different things which fill the cup, (noise is one you mentioned). Until the cup is full, they can respond to each other without fighting, but once the cup overflows the meltdown occurs, and can be toward anyone or anything in the environment. If both cups are full, it's a meltdown for everyone.

Chaos, confusion, frustration, pain (even not noticed or painful to others), overwhelming social stimulation, fatigue, hormones, messy rooms, crooked lines, all sorts of things can be overwhelming to an ASD. The key is to keep the cup as empty as possible.

If you can somehow help each see what fills their own and the sibling's cup, and especially what can help to empty it, perhaps they can learn to help each other. It's a big task, but they will both benefit throughout their lives with such an understanding. For me, an aesthetically messy place and noise fill my cup. Trying to learn using auditory input without being able to translate each thought into a picture quickly enough to store it into memory is frustrating. Mess and noise make it harder. Social disapproval even more so. My family knows that when I say I am overstimulated they need to back of and let me flood until I'm better again. Flooding can be many things, often repetitive. For me they include satin sliding between my fingers, luxury yarn with which to knit or crochet, rocking, singing, concentrating on certain details, etc. Vibration at my ears also helps. Everyone has different "stims" with which to flood, and as long as they are used in appropriate ways and locations, they can be very helpful.

I won't bore you with how I flooded in order to get through labor. Let me just say I am in strong favor of medicating during labor for autistic mothers.....

I hope this helps.

I'd love to know if this works for you! I will try to help you if you get stuck.

Thank you....My dad came out to visit, and we moved the washer and dryer out to the garage..painted and outfitted the laundry room into a "quiet room". Painted in soft tones, equipped with bean bags, big pillows, soft building blocks (to punch on or throw if needed), carpet, etc. It hasn't actually taken on the safe zone I had hoped. I repeatedly try to coax, order, plead, distract them into the room. Sigh! I'll keep up the efforts.

I do get breaks....unfortunately too much for my liking with the custody situation. I just want my youngest to understand the screaming is not an appropriate way to show displeasure...nor is the going after his older brother.
I did just find out from my attorney that I can get behavioral assistance while the boys are in my care..so I am all over that today. :) The two get breaks from each other as well...they just need their dynamic worked on while they are together.

You do have an idea of what it's like...the "can't leave them alone in the same room". It is very taxing. I feel for you.

Thank you for your response...and your compassion.
Here is to wishing us both continued patience and guidance to help our little ones.

Erin :)