I think you need ask yourself why you are in this relationship.

I believe you have to be very careful because any child can develop a "complex" even if the child is not autistic. So, you all should throw a party for the both of them maybe together. I have girls and my PDD child does not have friends friends...so I invite mostly relatives to her party. Since some of them understand her condition, they don't get offended when she retreats.

every child is an individual and each needs to be raised that way. So although there are "family" rules that everyone is required to follow... and "family" responsibilities that everyone follows.... rewards and gifts are customized for each person.... because you want that person to be happy.

Not having a party for child A so child B does not feel left out is bad for everyone. Child A learns to resent child B. And child B learns that the world revolves around him and never learns to care about other people's feelings. invite child B to child A's party and then prepare child B who has aspergers so he can be successful.

not doing something special for child B just cuz you made a bad decision on child A's party is also bad for everyone. But it doesn't necessarily need to be a party... find out what child B would like to do.

But I think the bigger problem is that your partner's and your issue of how to build fairness into raising both of your children. That's a problem that everyone faces whether our children are disabled are not. You should prove to your partner that you are understanding and educated about aspergers by reading about it and discussing it. Then hopefully both of you can move on to how both of you will raise two children that have very different needs.

I made sure my typical child got to do a lot of things that his brother (severe autism) couldn't or wouldn't want to do. It's really important that our normal children get a childhood and not everything is about the special needs child. Because frankly 90% of the families energy goes to the special child.

I would say it has to be fair. If parties are a big no/no for her son, that is fine.. you can throw your son a party and she can take her son out for that time period or it can be done outside the home. Each child's wishes must be respected and both deserve to have their wants fulfilled however, asperger's syndrome doesn't mean your step son should get any special treatment.. They are children too..

If he cannot or doesn't want a party or social interaction, that's fine but it can't be at the expense of the nuerotypical child (your son) it has to be a comprimise from both sides.

Btw I go through this all the time. I have a aspie 12 yr old daughter and a nuerotypical son and a aspie step son (undiagnosed) and neurotypical step daughter

i would say tread with caution, patti mac. Asperger's is a social-cognitive disorder and should be respected as such. Neither my parents, nor my brother who are all on the spectrum and all have AS,to this day do not like, want or encourage large friend or family parties for any occasion. But I agree with just simply going with what each child wants. I loved big parties, so about every other year I was thrown one. (every year would have sent my mother to the nut house). There were accommodations made on both sides and everyone understood why or why not something was going to take place.