Has Anyone Had To Weigh The Pros And Cons Of A Residential Home Or Keeping Your Young Adult At Home? | MyAutismTeam

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Has Anyone Had To Weigh The Pros And Cons Of A Residential Home Or Keeping Your Young Adult At Home?
A MyAutismTeam Member asked a question 💭

While I do have some time (my son is 14) the school district has sent home information regarding a plan for his future. While I can see how him being in a residential situation would benefit him, I am wrestling with him not being at home with his family. His dad and I are divorced but he does miss each one of us when he is with the other. This will be the toughest decision I have ever had to make for him. I'd love to hear some advice from others who have gone through this. Successful or… read more

posted February 6, 2013
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A MyAutismTeam Member

It's a difficult decision, to be sure. My brother had to be emergency-placed in a Human Development Center before I was 23 and he was 21. He'd grown to the point that he was nearly 6 feet tall and over 200 pounds. His medicine was causing interaction problems and he was having breakthrough seizures. I would recommend that you place him, but be fully aware of how it will affect you. I could write page after page of all the feelings that mom and I had and still have, but in more manageable doses. Also, be ready to approve and disapprove of every facility you talk to. Thirdly, expect everything to fall through before it all works out. Finally, be patient and willing to wait for the right facility for your son. My mom and I weren't really given a choice, but eventually my brother transferred to another facility that was even better for him.

posted February 7, 2013
A MyAutismTeam Member

Ditto on getting him out of public school. It's a lot of sensory overload. My brother didn't do too well at it. We had to send him to a school a half-hour's drive away, fortunately they had buses. @ AuntCeil, if the psychiatrist and other people won't sign off on it then find another one. It's a huge headache having to find another but it'll be another headache without full legal guardianship.

posted March 23, 2013
A MyAutismTeam Member

@ AuntCeil: Get legal guardianship as soon as you can. My mom had to get it to make decisions about my brother because she was divorced and her and my dad had joint-custody. It's a bit of money but it's worth it because you can make better choices about care for your son. A POA isn't bad but it's better to have a POA for when you need to have someone else take care of your son (I mean in a legal sense, signing paperwork, etc). My mom gave me POA for two years when she decided to go teach in China.

posted March 22, 2013
A MyAutismTeam Member

Thank you all for your very thoughtful advice and comments. While my son is not violent and does engage with us, I must admit (and I know this is somewhat selfish on my part) that I feel I will eventually need a break from the constant care and safety issues that we deal with on a daily basis. I have spent that last 14 years proving him with a safe, loving stable (even through a divorce) environment and more and more often and just emotionally and physically drained.

Let me say that I love my son with all of my heart and could see how easy it can be to martyr yourself for your child. I used to say that I would have his older brothers care for him when I am gone, but have really changed my mind on that issue. I promised them that they would not have to care for him at that time, how selfish would it be for me to put that responsibility on them. They have been amazing brothers to him, yet they have given up so much and sacrificed many thins without once complaining. I want them to live their lives. They know they will visit with him no matter where he is. They are committed to being his brother no matter what. They love him tremendously and always step up when necessary.

I would of course make sure that if I put him into residential care, that the fit is good for him and that the facility provided as close a feeling to home as possible. He is 5'6" and is getting taller by the day. He is very strong and has never hurt any of us but just getting him dressed and ready is a chore. I understand he did not ask to be born with Autism as I did not know that I would have a child with this condition. Despite this, I am so happy that he was born to me, I know that no one would love him and do for him what I have done to give him the head start that he has had. If I am capable and with live in assistance I will keep him home. If I feel that it is too much, then I will place him and see how it works out.

This situation is so hard. I know that in the end, whatever decision I make, I will do it with love and care for this young man who is my son and whose heart and smile has totally consumed me for the last 14 years.

posted February 8, 2013
A MyAutismTeam Member

That is tough, I really feel for you! My nephew is 17 and pretty functional, thank God. A friend had to make that decision, torture! It ended well because her child was so much happier because she had all the supports she needed and was even anle to make friends! She ended up doing some volunteering there too, the mom. You really have to get best advice then go with your gut, doesn't have to be permanent if you are both unhappy! I would also think the earlier the better, once they are adults it is harder and you don't want to have to do an emergency placement.

posted February 7, 2013

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