For the emotional troubles, you might try adding some more omega 3 to the diet. We just mentioned this on another post, but it does seem to help calm kids down. There are also some risks, such as mixing it with certain medications. A good summary is at:
http://umm.edu/health/medical/altmed/supplement...

For the non-compliance, on the other hand, there are no supplements (that I have found) that seem to make any difference at all.

We have had good luck with an ABA approach, of rewarding compliance, but that only goes so far. Make sure the request is understood, for example. We usually offer a reward, but you have to offer the bribe before the non-compliance starts, otherwise it becomes a reward for non-compliance itself.

We usually use the three-step process. Step one is the request: "Go back to bed". And we praise him if he does. Step 2 is the request, plus modeling: We walk him back to bed, and praise him (mildly) if he does so. Step 3 is to stop the verbal interaction and simply walk him back to bed with no comment. Step 4 through 200 is to simply repeat step 3.

I am not joking about step 200. The first night in a big-boy bed, he got up more than 100 times. The second night, it was only about 60. The third night it was twice. Since then, he stayed in bed.

Non-compliance is different from negative behavior. For negative behavior, you have to redirect and follow the steps to end the behavior. If it is dangerous or violent, then you can actually go so far as to remove other rewards, such as taking tokens off the board or instituting a time-out. These are hard steps to follow, so you have to be prepared to be very consistent. Negative reinforcement is very tricky (or even completely impossible) for ASD kids, so be sure to read up on it.

Pick your battles. Sometimes kids will dig in their heels just to find out how far the battle will go and how long you can keep it up. If a child senses they can wear you down, then every request might become a contest. If my son refuses to wear a jacket, then I simply bring it with me and wait for him to become cold.

Other requests are non-negotiable. Once we ask him to wash his hands, then the request can't be withdrawn until the hands are washed. This can be a tough one, because we have to stop all other activity, and that might have been his initial goal.

For example, he might refuse to wash his hands before dinner because he really wasn't hungry. Delaying dinner is not a punishment, because he is a picky eater anyway. We literally have to start taking away toys and limiting all other activities until the hands are washed. This is no fun for him, and no fun for us, but at least he learns that he can't avoid something just by throwing a tantrum.

We have had many such battles, always over something unexpected. The good news is that each time, he learns that he cannot outlast us, and that there is no ultimate reward for non-compliance.

You are NOT a bad mom for considering medication. I waited on meds too. They are not without risk, but if you find the right ones it can be very worth it. Ultimately, every child is different and you have to do what helps your child the best.

I agree a neurologist or a psychiatrist is the way to go. We like everyone else put off meds for a long time but know wish we would have done it sooner. Do not let people make you feel bad for going the med route because it is something that needs to be done in some cases . If you are on the fence think of it as if your child was diabetic or had seizures, would you not medicate, of course you would and this is the same.

If your child is hurting themselves or had anxiety , or stress issues it needs to be done for their safety or well being . Once you see the results you will be glad you did. The other thing is that supplements will not work on aggression of self injurious behavior

try L - theanine supplement

I've noticed what seems to be a correlation between calm behavior and the Omega 3 as well, but it's subtle in my son so not 100% sure.