Sometimes it matters how you word things. Rather than saying "you need to.." or "I want you to..." pose it so it puts the child in the position of helper. "You would be a big help if you would..." Also, giving choices takes away the opportunity to say no. "Do you want to change your clothes now or put the crayons away?" That gives the child a little bit of control. If there is a tantrum, wait it out and try later. No way to stop those once they are started, but if you re-approach afterwards with your requests, he will learn that a tantrum will not release him from helping out. He may be using tantrums as a tactic to get his way.

yup! my heart goes out to ya! let me know if you find out any answers!