My boys lost their mom to cancer several years ago. They're still coping with the loss - Beth took the opportunity to do a burial for a departed pet fish before she died. It helped her youngest understand the idea of a burial.

I came into their lives after their mom died.

There will be opportunities to process before, during and after. When Beth's remains were interred, I don't know that the boys really understood. Adam, who has Aspergers, very much wanted to be a part of what everyone was doing (He was about 9 at the time). I think discussing the ritual and letting them participate gives meaning for all of us. It was fine - everyone was pretty overwhelmed and in some respects, I think they handled it like any other kid their age: quietly, with tears, and not really sure what they should be doing.

Hope this answer is helpful -

My heart goes out to you at this time. My father passed away at Christmas time last year. Austin is 11 and Dakota is 6 both are ASD. Neither one of them understood at the time. Once at the funeral Austin finally understood when one of "Papa's" favorite songs was played. Needless to say he broke down. Dakota still doesn't quite understand. Since my father was very (6 heart attacks, 3 massive strokes, 2 rounds of cancer) We just told them that now Papa can talk, walk, play baseball, fish etc. Yesterday Dakota said "Oh brother" Which was one of the only phrases my dad could say. We corrected her and said "Papa can now say Oh brother Dakota you forgot to brush your teeth." I think she understood a little bit. I will be praying for the road ahead.

Adopt the same attitude of going to a funeral as you would a wedding, birthday party, etc.

Well, James ended up at home. He'd been in the ER twice a few days before the funeral and the long car drive down and back to the funeral would not have helped his recovery. I have the program from the funeral and plan to go over it with him. If he'd been well I think it would have been ok.

I have had a few family members that are deceased and was worried about bring my daughter along and how to explain death to her( she is non-verbal and knows a little basic ASL). She has taking it all in stride.
My dad died when my daughter was six ( all the grandkids called him Pops). She cried at the furneral. I know that she loved her Pops very much. She was sad after the furneral and her teacher sent me a note home one day saying she seem sad. I had forgot to tell her about my dad death. There was so much going on at the time and i was not sure how much she understood. Alot more than i thought because it was effecting her mood .
My daughter's father died when she was 13 and i bought her to the furneral and she cried during the furneral. She cried often when she would see her dad's photo after he past for a few years.I know that she misses him. I put a 5 X 7 photo of her dad on her dresser after her dad died. I want her to always remember her dad and what he looked like. She would get sad and i would see a tear fall.She just want to be alone and not be comforter on some occassions.
She has had a year and two years after my husband death that he had a brother and a sister died. I brought her along to the furneral also. I think she understands more than i know.