I have had the same issue since my sons been diagnosed 8 years ago. He does not participate in any of his IEPs. Any of the problems my son comes home with is blamed on the schools when I know it is just a problem I need to work on with my son. However, when my son was first diagnosed was the first time I ever heard of it but noticed every thing on the symptoms list to be visible in my son .. Then the more I learned was in my HUSBAND too. So I chose to go thru all of this on my own and it took me a while to accept it. The best advice I can give you is to accept that no matter how much you try to get thru to him, until he accepts it I have chose to just work myself with any issues that come up thru any problem that he needs the help with.
When my son has a meltdown, the discipline has never been learned or helped one bit. I find that telling him I understand what is happening, I will work thru it together and all will be ok. Now I will remind you that this was not learned by him over nite but the more he knew he could talk of it to me the better he did. Also, telling him that it was being mad and it was a feeling everyone had and when we feel mad we hug our favorite stuffed animal or whatever they do that you seems they calm down with or that soothes them.
I hope it helped. This issuehas been going on for me for years .......

We started counseling to cope with the diagnosis since it came so late. My husband now is in 1:1 counseling to help. We also began going to a monthly support group for parents so that we don't feel alone. Sometimes I think his anger is because he feels alone in it and because he blames himself.

there is a great book by Rodney Peete the ex-footbal player called "Not My Son" that may be helpful.

I definitely hear you on this one!!! My husband drives me crazy with it! He claims to "get it" but he just doesn't. If Ayden is doing something he's not supposed to be doing, my husband goes off on a big lecture about why he cant etc... and that just makes Ayden even more upset and starts a meltdown... I try to tell him to put him in his time out right away, no warnings, because then Ayden just starts learning that he can get away with what he's doing atleast once before he gets punished for it... but my husband, being as lazy as he is, will just sit there and ask him over and over again to sit in time out, instead of getting up and putting him there. Of course he's not going to go on his own, especially if he knows he's not going to get up and put him there! No wonder neither of my kids listen to my husband... sorry, this really hits a nerve for me lol... sometimes it seems like i'm the only one who understands how to handle Ayden, zero support from other family too! And this seems to be such a common occurence in families with children on the spectrum, and I can kind of see why the divorce rate for families with special-needs children is at like 90%... because i guess it's pretty rare that both parents be on the same page, and you can only take so much of that. :/

My son made the observation that he thinks his Dad is 'like him' and I agree with him.