Your honesty is brave and its never too late to turn things around. I am very direct and straightforward but my tone is compassionate. I think that by changing your patterns and beliefs, she will in turn make changes. I do think its time to no longer be embaressed and become embracing...its never too late. Imagine how much that affects her behaviors. She understands and hears everything. I know there are people that think our kids are clueless, but they are the clueless ones. If people feel uncomfortable around my son, well then get the hell away from my son. He is who he is and he knows I support him and have his back all day and everyday. She knows your not accepting to who she is and that can create self injury. I would tell her, "Im sorry for how I have acted all these years. I understand, accept and love you just how you are. Flap your hands all day if it makes you happy. I dont care anymore what people think. Youre my daughter and I love you very much and Im trying to do better as a mom to help you." You havent failed as a mom, you were just following the wrong path but can change your route at any time. The more you think about her struggles and difficulties the less you will focus on yours and find acceptance, tolerance, patience, understanding and the ability to not give a damn about what others think. As for nannies/respite I am on the end of "no" unless I had a guarantee of my sons safety. Nonverbal with behavioral issues is very vulnerable to mistreatment. My son was abused in school and I plan on remaining his sole caregiver because of that. I would focus on you and her and making profound changes before exposing her to a new enviornment. Maybe a compassionate companion to help while you are there. I know you must be burnt out but as hard as you are on yourself, I see a warriormom. You have been there through it all and given so much. Your strong and fearless. Start accepting and let go of curing and you will see a difference...Im sure of it. I would just focus on major changes to your approaches before bringing a stranger in the mix. She has wanted and waited long enough to be accepted...its time to give her that...and give yourself that❤

How has she expressed embaressment if unable to communicate for the most part? Could you have misunderstood? I would explain there is nothing to be embaressed about. Eliminating an anxiety release from someone that is punching themselves and trying to bite out fleash, as you mentioned in other post, sounds counter productive. What does she do with her time? Does she have outlets for social interactions? Is self injurous behavior only recent? Looking at changes in her/your life can be relative. The shear frustration of her life is also traumatic. To deflect hand flapping as a now adult and it being a stress/anxiety relief should probably take a back seat to focusing on self injury. Does she live with you full time? Are there new caregivers in her life? It breaks my heart. Im sure you are beyond exhausted. My son is about to be 14 and cant communicate and I already am mentally maxed out. Maybe she feels guilty, feels like a burden and just angry at her situation. All we can do is continue to express the opposite. My son recently went from hand flapping to occupying his hands constantly on door handles, but it was a switch that he chose. I imitate his vocal stims right along with him in public so he doesnt feel so alone or different. Sometimes I can make him feel ok with who he is and other times he has a right to be frustrated at his life and I cant discount that pain, only comfort and express acceptance. I cant imagine him hurting himself like that, that must be guttwrenching to watch. Just look for surrounding triggers as Im sure you already know. If this has not been going on her whole life it should be alot easier to pinpoint. I would express that alot of people flap hands and there is nothing wrong with it. People usually find something else as an outlet on their own as a comfort. I would just let her redirect herself if she chooses and focus on self injury. Bless her heart...and yours.

I guess she isn’t really that embarrassed, but to be honest, I’m kind of embarrassed. I’m glad she has this coping mechanism, but as a mom I feel very insecure as she paces in circles in public flapping her hands. She looks very obviously autistic. Yes, I’ve been doing this for 21 years now, but it’s still incredibly isolating and I still doubt myself as a parent. The only meaningful social interactions she has are with other autistic people. Should I be discouraging this? She has been engaging in self injurious behavior since 4 years old, only now she’s gotten more aggressive and more difficult to handle. Yes the flapping is a coping outlet but a socially-unacceptable one. She lives with me full time and I had to quit my job because she requires intensive care and there isn’t a nanny who understands her. Do you know of any good special needs nannies? I feel so sorry for your son and empathize with both of you so much.

Yeah, it’s hard to accept. I want to accept her autism (after all, I’ve been living with autism in my life for 21 years) but that voice inside me keeps telling me to make her look as neurotypical as possible, and to continue pushing for normalization/ cure. I feel so guilty. You would have thought that after being an autism parent for so long I would have accepted it, but no. I’ve failed as a mom.

@A MyAutismTeam Member Insightful advice. Okay I’ll try to accept her and let her be her authentic self more. I’ll do anything to help her stop hurting herself... the self destruction is getting really severe and it’s hard to watch. She also attacks us and to be honest sometimes I’m a little afraid for her future.

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